Some helpful tips for 2008

LondonMatt
LondonMatt Experienced MentorRegistered Posts: 1,110
- Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment,always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

- Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.

- Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

- Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach,then urinating into it, before jumping in.

- Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cake again.

- Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by
running a bit slower.

- Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

- Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.

- Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no
doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

- High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

- Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.

- Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car
before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.



- Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by
banging your feet twice on each stair.

- At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.

- Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

- AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

- HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping
trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

- DON'T INVITE DRUG ADDICTS round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

- A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Comments

  • sarahwilson
    sarahwilson Experienced Mentor Registered Posts: 567
    :lol::thumbup1: Very funny!!
  • speegs
    speegs Experienced Mentor Registered Posts: 854
    LONDON MATT - I;m ****ed enough already (having passed my exam) but you just made me **** myself laughing. Uck
  • LondonMatt
    LondonMatt Experienced Mentor Registered Posts: 1,110
    speegs wrote: »
    LONDON MATT - I;m ****ed enough already (having passed my exam) but you just made me **** myself laughing. Uck


    Ah, then my job here is complete...

    ...although I'm kinda glad that your erratic bladder caused you to wet yourself, made me check my email for my exam result.....

    I passed :thumbup:

    Your wetness must have brought me good luck - I shall remember this and call upon it next time I am in need...
  • kendall17
    kendall17 Feels At Home Registered Posts: 42
    :thumbup: :laugh:Top draw that! got me smiling on a tuesday morning - tis a rareity! :laugh:
  • LondonMatt
    LondonMatt Experienced Mentor Registered Posts: 1,110
    *BUMP*


    ....the biggest (over a YEAR) and therefore bestest BUMP in AAT history :lol:
  • Diannew
    Diannew Font Of All Knowledge Registered Posts: 2,814
    LondonMatt wrote: »
    *BUMP*


    ....the biggest (over a YEAR) and therefore bestest BUMP in AAT history :lol:

    Ok..........................what are you going on about:lol::lol:
  • LondonMatt
    LondonMatt Experienced Mentor Registered Posts: 1,110
    Diannew wrote: »
    Ok..........................what are you going on about:lol::lol:
    BUMP: a shameless attempt to bring someones thread to the top of the thread listings page

    Bring
    Up
    My
    Post


    *BUMP*
  • Buff
    Buff Trusted Regular Registered Posts: 275
    tis a shame no one can magically bump the Studdy Buddy thread :crying:

    Where's Helen btw? and Mandy?
  • PAMDILL
    PAMDILL Experienced Mentor Registered Posts: 718
    Diannew wrote: »
    Ok..........................what are you going on about:lol::lol:
    I thought he was commenting on Gem's pregnancy bump!
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