Jokes for a boring afternoons work

MAAT

The Secret Box

Never before had Sue looked in the box that her husband kept under their bed.

The box had been there for the past 20 years of their marriage but she had never invaded his privacy. One day, while cleaning, she decided to take a look in the box. She didn't figure it was anything he was hiding since she could have looked at it any other time but hadn't.

In the box she found 3 eggs and 10 thousand dollars. This seemed very strange so she went to Fred and asked, "Why are there 3 eggs in a box under our bed?"

He replied, "Well, every time I was unfaithful to you, I put an egg in the box." Sue was surprised and hurt that he had been unfaithful but she consoled herself with the fact that they had been married for over 20 years and he had only been unfaithful 3 times.

"But where did the 10 thousand dollars come from?" she asked.

"Well, every time I got a dozen, I sold it."

MAAT

New CEO

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make £200.00 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy £800 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?" With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.

MAAT

Optimist v Pessimist

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"

Shadow

LOL, I nearly fell off my chair with laughter after reading dem

:thumbup1:

A-Vic

Lol

CJC

An man walks into a pub. The barman looks at him and says 'What's this, some kind of joke?"

A-Vic

huh

????

CJC

Based on the concept that many jokes start with the phrase "A man walks into a pub".

I thought it was funny but then I'm weird :w00t:

A-Vic

forgive my dumbness

am only a lonely bored accounts assistant

mark130273

little kid goes in and his dads sitting there , he says ", son ,can i tell you about the birds and the bees ?"

son replies "oh no, dad please dont"

dad "why son ?"

"well at 4 years old you told me there wasnt any easter bunny, then when i was 6 you told me that there wasnt a boogie monster , then at 8 you told me there wasnt any santa and at 10 you told me there wasnt a tooth fairy , so if you tell me that there is no sex when i get old what the hell is look forward too ??"



:thumbup:

A-Vic

So there are some out there?



A blonde walks into a bank in London and asks to see the manager. She says
she's going to Hong Kong on business for two weeks and needs to borrow
£5,000.

The manager says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so
the blonde hands over the keys to a new Ferrari.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and
everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for
the loan.

The manager and the tellers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a
£200,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5,000 loan. An employee of the
bank then proceeds to drive the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage
and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest,
which comes to £17.41.

The manager says, 'Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and
this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a
millionairess. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow £5,000?'

The blonde replies...'Where else in central London can I park my car for two
weeks for only £17.41 and expect it to be there when I return?'

Hooray! A smart blonde joke at last!!

CJC

These have been posted here before but I figure there's probably people who've not seen them and they are quite funny.

Comprehending Accountants - Take One
Two accountancy students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second accountant replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "'Take what you want.'"
The first accountant nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't fit."

Comprehending Accountants - Take Two
An architect, an artist and an accountant were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The accountant said, "I like both. If you have a wife and a mistress they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman then you can go to the office and get some work done."

Comprehending Accountants - Take Three
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the accountant, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Comprehending Accountants - Take Four
An accountant was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week".
The accountant took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the accountant took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess; that I'll stay with you and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The accountant said, "Look I'm an accountant. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

A-Vic

not a joke but funny to do

Try this one.....
> >
> > 1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to go out to eat. (more than once but less than 10)
> >
> > 2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)
> >
> > 3. Add 5
> >
> > 4. Multiply it by 50
> >
> > 5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1758...
> >
> > If you haven't, add 1757.
> >
> > 6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
> >
> > You should have a three digit number
> > The first digit of this was your original number. (I.e., How many times you want to go out to restaurants in a week.) The next two numbers are YOUR AGE !

---

(Oh YES, it is!)

mark130273

soz a/vic , that is just a basic maths trick .......a 7 year old would do...:001_tt2::001_tt2::001_tt2::001_tt2:

A-Vic

Bordem

Told ya i was bored and after all you did try it didnt you come on i know you did

bevkes

Check this one....

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE : "What would you do if I die? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND : "Definitely not!"

WIFE : "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND : "Of course I do."

WIFE : "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND : "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE : "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND : (makes audible groan)

WIFE : "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND : "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE : "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND : "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE : "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND : "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE : "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND : "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE : "Would you give her my jewellery?"

HUSBAND : "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE : "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND : "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE : -- silence --

HUSBAND : "sh*t."





Caught!!!!!

Shadow

LOL:lol:

A-Vic

Hehehe :thumbup1:

mark130273

left handed , what a classic !:laugh:

A-Vic

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.


'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'


'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.


But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'


'Yes, I do.' said Bob


'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'


'Well, um, yes !,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'


'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'


Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'.............




'She just died and left me everything.'

speegs

Please stop! I am going to wet myself laughing.

Speegs

mark130273

a woman decides she needs some extra cash and she decides that she needs it very quickly , so she goes on the game and looks around for a brothel, eventually she finds one ,
when she goes in she sees the manager and say " i want to start as a prostitute ?"

the manager says "sure, can you start today?"

"sure can, I can start now" replies the young girl

"well for this week all i want you to do is when the customer enters your room all you have to do is w*nk them off ?"

"why ?" says the girl


"well everyone has to start by working a week in hand ?":tongue_smilie:

A-Vic

lolol Groan

mark130273

man and his blonde wife goes on holiday to an remote island and both sunbath naked.

the man ends up after the holiday burnt his todger ?

hes gets home and goes to the doctors and shows him the burns.

The doctor says to him "you should go home and soak it in cold milk for a half an hour "

the man goes home gets a pint of milk and puts his todger in it !

"ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh" the man sighs

just then his blonde wife comes in , looks at him quizzingly and then realises and says " ive always wondered how you refill them? "

:laugh: