The "post a joke" thread...

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SeanyBoy
SeanyBoy Registered Posts: 553 Epic contributor 🐘
Post ya jokes...
«13

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  • LondonMatt
    LondonMatt Registered Posts: 1,110 Beyond epic contributor 🧙‍♂️
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    Whats brown and sticky?


    A stick!



    I collect my £5 for worst joke ever.....
  • Rachey
    Rachey Registered Posts: 589 Epic contributor 🐘
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    LondonMatt wrote: »
    Whats brown and sticky?


    A stick!



    I collect my £5 for worst joke ever.....

    Am i wrong to laugh at that??? Haha :lol:
  • LondonMatt
    LondonMatt Registered Posts: 1,110 Beyond epic contributor 🧙‍♂️
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    Rachey wrote: »
    Am i wrong to laugh at that??? Haha :lol:
    .....helpless to my charms.....helpless....:laugh:


    Why did the mermaid leave the sea?


    Because the sea weed!
  • SeanyBoy
    SeanyBoy Registered Posts: 553 Epic contributor 🐘
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    What do you call a man with no arms and no legs sitting on your front porch?







    Matt...
  • SeanyBoy
    SeanyBoy Registered Posts: 553 Epic contributor 🐘
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    The fight we had last night was my fault,
    my wife asked me what was on the TV and i said dust.
  • LondonMatt
    LondonMatt Registered Posts: 1,110 Beyond epic contributor 🧙‍♂️
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    What's the difference between Alan Shearer and Newcastle united?
    Alan Shearer will be on Match of the Day next season.

    What goes down faster than a Geordie slapper
    The team she supports
  • A-Vic
    A-Vic Registered Posts: 6,970 Beyond epic contributor 🧙‍♂️
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    SeanyBoy wrote: »
    What do you call a man with no arms and no legs sitting on your front porch?







    Matt...

    What do you call a man wearing 1 scarf 2 ear muffs 3 hats










    Anything you want he cant hear you
  • sarahwilson
    sarahwilson Registered Posts: 567 Epic contributor 🐘
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    Whats orange and sounds like a parrot?





    A carrot.
    :lol:

    I reckon the £5 for the worst joke might be mine
  • A-Vic
    A-Vic Registered Posts: 6,970 Beyond epic contributor 🧙‍♂️
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    Whats orange and sounds like a parrot?





    A carrot.
    :lol:

    I reckon the £5 for the worst joke might be mine

    i'll give you £20 if you stop now :lol::lol::lol:
  • Buff
    Buff Registered Posts: 275 Dedicated contributor 🦉
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    the inevitable blondes

    I could tell a blonde had used my pc whilst i was on holiday... i returned to find Tipex on the screen. What confirmned the blonde was the fact there were letters written on top of the tipex
  • groundy
    groundy Registered Posts: 495 Dedicated contributor 🦉
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    What do you call a fish with no eye ?

    Fsh!
  • A-Vic
    A-Vic Registered Posts: 6,970 Beyond epic contributor 🧙‍♂️
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    SeanyBoy wrote: »
    What do you call a man with no arms and no legs sitting on your front porch?







    Matt...

    I know a riskay

    Where do you find a man with no arms and legs
















    where you left him
  • Rachey
    Rachey Registered Posts: 589 Epic contributor 🐘
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    What insect is good at math?

    An account-ant.
  • Paul24
    Paul24 Registered Posts: 578 Epic contributor 🐘
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    Rachey wrote: »
    What insect is good at math?

    An account-ant.

    Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

    He had to work it out with a pencil :huh:
  • fatandforty
    fatandforty Registered Posts: 553 Epic contributor 🐘
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    What do you call a fly with no wings?



    A walk
  • steveJ
    steveJ Registered Posts: 694 Epic contributor 🐘
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    What do you call a female snooker player with a pint of lager on her head ?






















    BEER - TRICKS - POTTER

    :thumbup1:
    :tongue_smilie:
  • SeanyBoy
    SeanyBoy Registered Posts: 553 Epic contributor 🐘
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    What do you call a deer with no eyes???






    No I-Deer


    What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs???




    Still no i-deer....
  • SeanyBoy
    SeanyBoy Registered Posts: 553 Epic contributor 🐘
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    Why was the washing machine laughing?







    Because it was taking the p*ss out the underpants
  • Monsoon
    Monsoon Registered Posts: 4,071 Beyond epic contributor 🧙‍♂️
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    My fave accounting joke:

    A solicitor and a tax accountant are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

    The solicitor leans over to the accountant and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The accountant just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

    The solicitor persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains 'I ask you a question , and if you don't know the answer, you pay me £5.' Again, the accountant politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

    The solicitor, now somewhat agitated, says 'OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me £5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you £50!'

    This catches the accountant's complete attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The solicitor asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the earth to the moon?'

    The accountant doesn't say a word, reaches in to his wallet, pull out a five-pound note and hands it to the solicitor.

    Now, it's the accountant's turn. He asks the solicitor: 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The solicitor looks at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Law Library. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows.

    All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the accountant and hands him £50. The accountant politely takes the £50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

    The solicitor, more that a little miffed, shakes the accountant and asks, 'Well, so what IS the answer?'

    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .


    Without a word, the accountant reaches into his wallet, hands the solicitor £5 and goes back to sleep.

    :thumbup1::lol:
  • Paul24
    Paul24 Registered Posts: 578 Epic contributor 🐘
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    Very good , I like that :thumbup:
  • groundy
    groundy Registered Posts: 495 Dedicated contributor 🦉
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    Two fish in a tank, one turns to the other and says have you any idea how to drive this thing.

    Mick and Paddy in a plane, Mick says to Paddy if this plane turns upside down will we fall out, no says Paddy we will still be best of friends.
  • Diannew
    Diannew Registered Posts: 2,814 Beyond epic contributor 🧙‍♂️
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    Cofucious say's "man with flat chestered woman has right to feel low down"

    Confucious also say's "man with hole in pocket feels cocky all day"


    Give me my Fiver now please !! hee hee
  • Bookworm55
    Bookworm55 Registered Posts: 479 Dedicated contributor 🦉
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    Continuing the blind creatures theme:

    What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes?

    Doyouthinkhesaurus.
  • groundy
    groundy Registered Posts: 495 Dedicated contributor 🦉
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    How do you hide an elephant in a Cherry Tree ?


    Paint its balls red.


    Whats the loudest sound in the jungle?

    Giraffe's eating cherries.




    That £5 is mine hands down.:001_tt2:
  • sarahwilson
    sarahwilson Registered Posts: 567 Epic contributor 🐘
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    What do you call a man with a spade on his head?




    Doug



    What do you call a man without a spade on his head?



    Douglas


    Now give me the fiver and lets put an end to this nonsense!!:001_tt2:
  • SeanyBoy
    SeanyBoy Registered Posts: 553 Epic contributor 🐘
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    What do you call a blonde at university?








    A visitor.
  • Diannew
    Diannew Registered Posts: 2,814 Beyond epic contributor 🧙‍♂️
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    An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.

    "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."

    "Have you tried counting sheep?"

    "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."
  • SeanyBoy
    SeanyBoy Registered Posts: 553 Epic contributor 🐘
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    Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female.
    The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack"
    "No good telling me" replies the male egg "I'm not hard yet"

    (couldnt resist that) :laugh:
  • Diannew
    Diannew Registered Posts: 2,814 Beyond epic contributor 🧙‍♂️
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    SeanyBoy wrote: »
    Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female.
    The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack"
    "No good telling me" replies the male egg "I'm not hard yet"

    (couldnt resist that) :laugh:

    :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:001_tt2:Thank you!!! sends me on my way with a smile on my face.......or is that egg:lol::lol:
  • Diannew
    Diannew Registered Posts: 2,814 Beyond epic contributor 🧙‍♂️
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    Well it's goodbye from me and goodbye from him....whoever that is....

    Safe journey home everyone.

    Keep smiling.
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