Home For everyone Chat and off-topic discussion
Current updates regarding coronavirus (Covid-19) and the precautions AAT are taking will be continually updated on the below page.

Please check this link for the latest updates:
We hope you are all safe and well and if you need us we will be here. 💚


Had to laugh

A-VicA-Vic Expertise GuaranteedRegistered Posts: 6,970
A Duck walks in to a bar

"got any bread"

Barman says no!

"got any bread"

"no"

"Got any Bread"

"no"


"got any bread"

"no we havn't got any bread and if you ask again i will nail your beak to the bar you irratating little ****"

Duck says

"got any nails?"

Barman says

"NO"

"got any bread" :lol::lol::lol:
«1

Comments

  • AdamRAdamR Experienced Mentor Registered Posts: 668
    Old joke vic...:001_rolleyes:

    Oh well, more tasteful than any Jackson ones!
  • mark130273mark130273 Font Of All Knowledge Registered Posts: 4,234
    i like the old one

    A man walks into a bar

    "OUCH !!"
  • A-VicA-Vic Expertise Guaranteed Registered Posts: 6,970
    A man is sitting in the pub when he hears a bowl of peanuts on the bar saying "Oooh, you really are amazing. Oooh, you are lovely." Then the fruit machine shouted "Rubbish, look at the state of that haircut. And those socks don't go with those shoes." The barman apologised. "I'm sorry," he said, "The nuts are complimentary but the fruit machine is out of order."
  • A-VicA-Vic Expertise Guaranteed Registered Posts: 6,970
    Did you hear about the two men who were stopped by the police for being drunk and disorderly and it turned out that the first had been drinking battery acid and the second had been swallowing fireworks. One was charged and the other was let off.
  • A-VicA-Vic Expertise Guaranteed Registered Posts: 6,970
    Did you hear about the man who took a tiger into a pub. The tiger drank four bottles of whisky, two pints of guiness and a half of lager top then collapsed in a drunken stupor in the middle of the floor. The man who'd brought it in was walking out when the landlord called out "Hey, you can't leave that lying there" and the man called back, "It isn't a lion, its a tiger.
  • mark130273mark130273 Font Of All Knowledge Registered Posts: 4,234
    A-Vic wrote: »
    Did you hear about the man who took a tiger into a pub. The tiger drank four bottles of whisky, two pints of guiness and a half of lager top then collapsed in a drunken stupor in the middle of the floor. The man who'd brought it in was walking out when the landlord called out "Hey, you can't leave that lying there" and the man called back, "It isn't a lion, its a tiger.

    a-vic.............please oh please.....next you'll be putting on knock knock ,whos there, doctor, doctor who, Yes your right jokes on !!!!

    p.s. my 4 year old loves that dr who joke ?
  • mark130273mark130273 Font Of All Knowledge Registered Posts: 4,234
    two parrots on a perch and one turns to the other and says "can you smell fish"

    lol
  • rachy1975rachy1975 Trusted Regular Registered Posts: 366
    2 men walk into a bar...you would of thought the 2nd one would of seen it!!!
  • CJCCJC Font Of All Knowledge Registered Posts: 1,657
    An Englishman, and Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub. The barman looks at them and says "What's this, some kind of joke?"
  • A-VicA-Vic Expertise Guaranteed Registered Posts: 6,970
    A HANDFUL OF FAMOUS BEER QUOTES

    Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
    - Ernest Hemmingway

    He was a wise man who invented beer.
    - Plato

    Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
    - Catherine Zandonella

    If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
    - David Daye

    When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
    - Henny Youngman

    Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
    - Benjamin Franklin

    Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
    - Dave Barry

    The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
    - Humphrey Bogart

    People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.
    - Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

    Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
    - Dave Barry

    I drink to make other people interesting.
    - George Jean Nathan

    They who drink beer will think beer.
    - Washington Irving

    An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
    - For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemingway

    You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
    - Dean Martin
  • mark130273mark130273 Font Of All Knowledge Registered Posts: 4,234
    A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

    After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

    While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him £100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to £250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to £500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

    "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere £500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist.":laugh:
  • A-VicA-Vic Expertise Guaranteed Registered Posts: 6,970
    TOP TEN REASONS WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN RELIGION

    10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.

    9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.

    8. Beer has never caused a major war.

    7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.

    6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.

    5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.

    4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.

    3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.

    2. You can prove you have a Beer.

    1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help.
  • AdamRAdamR Experienced Mentor Registered Posts: 668
    Man walks into a pub with an ostrich under one arm and a cat under the other. He sits down at a table, calls the barman over and orders three pints. The barman returns with the drinks, at which point the man pays.

    After the three finish their drinks, the barman is summoned by the ostrich, who orders three more drinks and pays as they are brought to the table.

    The three pints are slowly drunk and after they've been consumed, the man and the ostrich turn expectantly to the cat, who refuses to acknowledge them. This stand off continues and the barman comes over, sensing an argument is brewing.

    However, to change the conversation, he asks the man how he came to be in possession of an ostrich and a cat.

    The man replies quite simply "Well I bumped into a man who said he could grant me any two wishes. My second wish would have been for loads of money but unfortunately my first was for 'a fit bird with long legs and a tight pussy'"!

    (Oh dear, I'm going to be banned for that!:laugh:)
  • Gem7321Gem7321 Experienced Mentor DevonMAAT, AAT Licensed Accountant Posts: 1,438
    I have a feeling that Mark copied and pasted that :001_tongue:
  • CJCCJC Font Of All Knowledge Registered Posts: 1,657
    Beer: the cause and cure of all man's problems- Homer Simpson
  • A-VicA-Vic Expertise Guaranteed Registered Posts: 6,970
    And last but no means least !

    YOU KNOW YOU'RE DRUNK WHEN...

    • You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

    • You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

    • Job interfering with your drinking.

    • Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

    • Career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.

    • The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

    • Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

    • 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!

    • Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

    • You can focus better with one eye closed.

    • The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

    • Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

    • Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

    • Mosquitoes get a buzz after attacking you

    • At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

    • Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

    • You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.

    • The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
  • rachy1975rachy1975 Trusted Regular Registered Posts: 366
    "Work is the curse of the drinking classes."
    Oscar Wilde.
  • A-VicA-Vic Expertise Guaranteed Registered Posts: 6,970
    Gem7321 wrote: »
    I have a feeling that Mark copied and pasted that :001_tongue:

    :ohmy: thats just cheating :lol:
  • mark130273mark130273 Font Of All Knowledge Registered Posts: 4,234
    tut tut tut adam !!!!!!
  • mark130273mark130273 Font Of All Knowledge Registered Posts: 4,234
    Gem7321 wrote: »
    I have a feeling that Mark copied and pasted that :001_tongue:

    yep
    bit like a-vics
  • mark130273mark130273 Font Of All Knowledge Registered Posts: 4,234
    ps gem.....trying to say that i never type out anything more than one line ?
  • mark130273mark130273 Font Of All Knowledge Registered Posts: 4,234
    25 Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Women:

    You can enjoy a beer all month long
    Beer stains wash out
    You don't have to wine and dine beer
    Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play baseball
    When your beer goes flat, you toss it out
    Hangovers go away
    A beer label comes off without a fight
    Beer is never late
    Beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer
    When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer
    Beer never gets a headache
    After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth 10p
    A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer
    If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head
    A beer always goes down easy
    You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty
    You can share a beer with your friends
    You always know you're the first one to pop a beer
    Beer is always wet
    Beer doesn't demand equality
    You can have a beer in public
    A beer doesn't care when you come
    A frigid beer is a good beer
    You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good
    If you change beers you don't have to pay alimony
  • DiannewDiannew Font Of All Knowledge Registered Posts: 2,814
    Gem7321 wrote: »
    I have a feeling that Mark copied and pasted that :001_tongue:

    :lol::lol::lol::lol: You beat me to that:lol:

    Or he swallowed a dictionary:lol::lol:

    Sorry Mark.
  • A-VicA-Vic Expertise Guaranteed Registered Posts: 6,970
    Take the challenge

    DRINKING VOCABULARY CHALLENGE

    Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...

    a) Innovative
    b) Preliminary
    c) Proliferation
    d) Cinnamon


    Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...

    a) Specificity
    b) British Constitution
    c) Passive-aggressive disorder
    d) Transubstantiate


    Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...

    a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
    b) Nope, no more booze for me.
    c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
    d) No kebab for me, thank you.
    e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
    f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
    g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
    h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
    i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
    j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
  • mark130273mark130273 Font Of All Knowledge Registered Posts: 4,234
    Diannew wrote: »
    :lol::lol::lol::lol: You beat me to that:lol:

    Or he swallowed a dictionary:lol::lol:

    Sorry Mark.

    hey im thick skinned.......ive got no dictionary........mind you its the only place were a man comes before a woman !!!!:laugh::laugh::laugh:
  • DiannewDiannew Font Of All Knowledge Registered Posts: 2,814
    mark130273 wrote: »
    hey im thick skinned.......ive got no dictionary........mind you its the only place were a man comes before a woman !!!!:laugh::laugh::laugh:

    Think that is a joke in itself:lol::lol:
  • mark130273mark130273 Font Of All Knowledge Registered Posts: 4,234
    Diannew wrote: »
    Think that is a joke in itself:lol::lol:
    that was the POINT ?:tongue_smilie:
  • Gem7321Gem7321 Experienced Mentor DevonMAAT, AAT Licensed Accountant Posts: 1,438
    mark130273 wrote: »
    ps gem.....trying to say that i never type out anything more than one line ?

    Nope, trying to say you can't normally spell or use grammar that well
  • mark130273mark130273 Font Of All Knowledge Registered Posts: 4,234
    Gem7321 wrote: »
    Nope, trying to say you can't normally spell or use grammar that well
    well thats dam true too ?
  • A-VicA-Vic Expertise Guaranteed Registered Posts: 6,970
    it is friday after all!

    Subject:> The> Interview> >

    An> Australian man is seeking to join the Police force

    The Sergeant doing the interview> says: "Your> qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

    Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says:

    "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit.> "

    "Why the> rabbit?"








    "I like your attitude!"> says the Sergeant. "When can you> start?" :lol::lol:
Sign In or Register to comment.