The "post a joke" thread...
Comments
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Come on guys, we've had these ones already! If you're going to make me sufffer, at least hit me with something new!:laugh:0
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REAL MEN QUIZ !!!!!
1.Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are
the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they
present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable
of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping
out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
A.. Present it to the President of the United States.
B.. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C.. Take it apart.
2.As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the
most?
A.. Innocence.
B.. Idealism.
C.. Cherry bombs.
3.When is it okay to kiss another male?
A.. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for
narrow-minded social conventions.
B.. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
C.. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.
4.What about hugging another male?
A.. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
B.. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver.
C.. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run
to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that: (1) He is legally
within the base path, (2) Both of you are wearing sufficient protection, and
(3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause
fractures.
6.In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
A.. A cat.
B.. A dog.
C.. A dog that eats cats.
7.You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and
intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday
afternoon the two of you are taking it easy-you're watching a football game;
she's reading the papers-when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
A.. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
B.. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you can not honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C.. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.
8.Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to
spend the rest of your life with her - sharing the joys and the sorrows, the
world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
A.. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B.. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and
when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C.. Tell her what?
9.One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get
your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
A.. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B.. "They're in school already?"
C.. "There are three of them?"
10.When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran socks?
A.. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your
legs.
B.. When it is down to eight loosely connected sock molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C.. It is never okay to throw away veteran socks. A real guy checks the
garbage regularly in case somebody-and we are not naming names, but this
would be his wife-is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is
frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate
relationship with it than with her.
11.What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact
that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they
finally got to the Promised Land?
A.. He was being tested.
B.. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
C.. He refused to ask for directions.
12.What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
A.. Democracy.
B.. Religion.
C.. Remote control.
if you answered "c" to all of them you are a real MAN:tongue_smilie:0 -
Why was six afraid of seven?
because he eight nine0 -
Ok, here goes got this one by text today...
"Those £10 holiday bargains to Mexico are not to be sneezed at!"
I thought it was funny at the time, but not so now I've typed it out!!!
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mark130273 wrote: »REAL MEN QUIZ !!!!!
1.Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are
the first human they encounter...
if you answered "c" to all of them you are a real MAN:tongue_smilie:
Ah. What does mainly B with the odd A make me then? 0 -
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Who's On First
Very old Abbott and Costello scetch, but I didn't realise just how funny it was until I watched it lately.0 -
:laugh: 0
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A young monk arrives at the monastery and is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies and not from the original manuscript. So the new monk goes to the head Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk says, ' We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son. '
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
'We missed the 'R' !
We missed the 'R' !
We missed the 'R' ! '
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong father?'
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,
'The word was..
CELEBRATE0 -
I've just spent the last two hours PMSL'ing over the old Chuck Norris lines.....They never get old to me
A couple of my favourites:
-Chuck Norris is not afraid of death, death is afraid of Chuck Norris
-Einstein's original Theory of Relativity was; if Chuck Norris kicks you, your relatives will feel it.
-Bigfoot takes pictures of Chuck Norris.
-Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.
-Darth Vader and Superman had a fight. Chuck Norris won.
-Chuck Norris does not dance. He roundhouse kicks to the beat.
-Jesus walked on water. Chuck Norris swam on land.
-The Bible was originally called 'Chuck Norris and Friends'
-Chuck Norris invented the apple.
-Chuck Norris Buillt Mount Everest with a bucket and spade.
-The only reason the color pink still exists is because Chuck Norris is color blind.
....and many, many, MANY more.....I could read that thread all day 0 -
Kind of off topic... but try this out... i could spend hours on this....
http://n.ethz.ch/student/mkos/pinguin.swf0 -
my fav joke
duck goes into a bar and says to the bar man
do you have any crackers
no says the barman we dont sell them.
next day
the duck walks into the bar and asks
do you have any crackers?
no mate I told you yesterday we dont sell crackers
next day
the duck asks the barman, do you have any crackers?
Look I told you yesterday and if you ask me again I will nail your beak to the bar!
next day
Duck walks in, Look I told you we dont sell crackers
Duck do you have any nails
bar man No!
good do you have any crackers!0 -
the familly gathers for breakfast.
mum, dad, eldest, middle and youngest sons.
mother asks eldest what would you like for breakfast son?
eldest, Ill have a bloody egg.
Crack, the mother clips eldest sons ear.
And what would you like for breakfast?
middle son, I will have a bloody egg.
Crack the mother clips middle sons ear.
And what would you like for breakfast?
Youngest son replied
Well I dont want a bloody egg!
ok no more im going.0
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