Your one stop thread for all things off topic (aka "Study Buddy II")
Comments
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mark130273 wrote: »There are two things that annoy me in the world:
1) People who tell me what annoys them in the world
&
2) Hypocrites.
oh man you should have been a mathematician!0 -
Sitting in a compartment on a train were the tooth fairy, an expensive accountant and a cheap accountant. On a table between
them was placed a briefcase full of money.
Suddenly the train entered a tunnel and everything went dark. When the train exited the tunnel and the light returned, the
briefcase was gone. Who took the briefcase?...
Well, it's obvious really. It had to be the expensive accountant as there's no such thing as the tooth fairy or a cheap
accountant!0 -
Q. How do you make holy water?
A. Boil the hell out of it.0 -
There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don't.0
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LOL
The old accountant retired after forty years, and on the top drawer of his desk they found a note that said: “debits in the columns toward the file cabinet. Credits in the column toward the window.”0 -
A frog goes into the bank to borrow some money. The teller, Paddy Whack, asks the frog for some collateral. The frog gives Paddy a porcelein elephant and tells her it proves that the frog is Mick Jagger's son, and has more than enough security. She looked confused for a moment, so went to ask her manager. Her manager looked at the elephant and explained:
"It's a nick-knack, Paddy Whack, give the frog a loan: his old man's a Rolling Stone."0 -
Bookworm55 wrote: »A frog goes into the bank to borrow some money. The teller, Paddy Whack, asks the frog for some collateral. The frog gives Paddy a porcelein elephant and tells her it proves that the frog is Mick Jagger's son, and has more than enough security. She looked confused for a moment, so went to ask her manager. Her manager looked at the elephant and explained:
"It's a nick-knack, Paddy Whack, give the frog a loan: his old man's a Rolling Stone."
0 -
Got to add one...
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."0 -
Love your avatar Steve, your joke's not bad either lol0
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Hello nutters!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!xx
Paddy and mick on an their way to do a job and mick gets caught short......and is desperate to go to the toilet for a number 2 ......paddy tells him to go behind the tree.....
"but I haven't got any tiolet roll Paddy......"
"mmmm that is a problem...I know just use that £5 you were given as a tip from the last job!"
" ey rightio"
A few minutes later Mick appears from behind the tree absolutley covered from head to toe in Poo(how poilte am I )
"what the heck have you done" asks Paddy
" well you want to try wip'n your A*** with 5 x £1.00 coins "
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx0 -
Mark's sig always reminds me of this ... There are 10 kinds of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who don't. (Note to self: read rest of thread before posting :blushing:)
And then there's this headline from BBC Cornwall which makes me think of Viz's Johnny Fartpants...
Massive pump reduces flood risk0 -
Mark's sig always reminds me of this ... There are 10 kinds of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who don't.
Oi! Look eight posts up in this thread! (EDIT: CJC corrected while I was posting /EDIT)
Mathematical limerick time:
(12 +144 +20 +3*sqrt4)/7 + 5*11 = 9^2 +0
Which reads as:
A dozen, a gross and a score
Plus three times the square root of four
Divided by seven
Plus five times eleven
Is nine-squared and not a bit more0 -
You forgot to add the "/7" to the equation after the brackets. Otherwise the equation would work but reading left to right the way you have written it it just does not balance. Obviously just a typing error so great lyric!
I must memorise that one and try it out on the family after Christmas dinner!
An insomniac lawyer went to see his Doctor for some advice on how to get a good night's sleep.
"Which side is it better to lie on?" said the Doctor.
"The side paying the fee" replied the lawyer.0 -
A man walks into Boots the chemist and tells the cashier he's looking for some deodorant.
The cashier asks: "Ball or aerosol?", to which the man replies
"No, for my armpits."0 -
Bookworm55 wrote: »A man walks into Boots the chemist and tells the cashier he's looking for some deodorant.
The cashier asks: "Ball or aerosol?", to which the man replies
"No, for my armpits."
As performed on Not the Nine O'Clock News sometime in the early Eighties...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6IBiR9m3vY0 -
Daffy Duck on a dirty weekend calls hotel reception and asks for a condom.
The receptionist says, shall I put them on your bill?
Daffy replies…..
Don’t be thucking thupid I’d thufficate!!!!0 -
And this one
Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad
news. The donkey's died.'
Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'
Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened
with that dead donkey?'
Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a
piece and made a profit of £998'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two pounds back.'
Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland0 -
And this one
Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad
news. The donkey's died.'
Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'
Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened
with that dead donkey?'
Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a
piece and made a profit of £998'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two pounds back.'
Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland
Lol thats brillantly stupid0 -
very good!!!!
This farmer had a wife who nagged him all the time. One day while he was outside plowing the field, she came out and started nagging him. While she was doing this, the mule kicked her and she died. At the funeral, the ladies came up and talked to the farmer. The farmer nodded his head "yes". The men came up and talked to him and the farmer nodded his head "no”. Well this other man wondered why he nodded his head "yes" to the ladies and "no" to the men. Then, he went up to the farmer and asked him why. The farmer replied,” Well, when the ladies came up, they told me how pretty my wife's dress was and how pretty she looked. When the men came up, they asked,’ That mule for sale?'0 -
very good!!!!
This farmer had a wife who nagged him all the time. One day while he was outside plowing the field, she came out and started nagging him. While she was doing this, the mule kicked her and she died. At the funeral, the ladies came up and talked to the farmer. The farmer nodded his head "yes". The men came up and talked to him and the farmer nodded his head "no”. Well this other man wondered why he nodded his head "yes" to the ladies and "no" to the men. Then, he went up to the farmer and asked him why. The farmer replied,” Well, when the ladies came up, they told me how pretty my wife's dress was and how pretty she looked. When the men came up, they asked,’ That mule for sale?'
LOL, obviously a joke for the blokes!!
Now here is one for the girls
3 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the cow . . .Mad Cow disease. 2 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the bird . . . Avian flu. This year, Chinese calendar year of the pig . . .Swine flu. Next year is the year of the **male chicken** ..............:)
** Urgh, forum thread would not let me type the actual word here**0 -
LOL, obviously a joke for the blokes!!
Now here is one for the girls
3 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the cow . . .Mad Cow disease. 2 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the bird . . . Avian flu. This year, Chinese calendar year of the pig . . .Swine flu. Next year is the year of the **male chicken** ..............:)
** Urgh, forum thread would not let me type the actual word here**
On a related note, a suspected outbreak of swine flu in a furniture store instead turned out to be a case of futon mouth disease.
EDIT: That feels a bit "Not the Nine O'Clock" news as well. Which is odd because I haven't watched it in ages, and I'm too young to remember most of the 1980s.0 -
Bookworm55 wrote: »On a related note, a suspected outbreak of swine flu in a furniture store instead turned out to be a case of futon mouth disease.
o noo 0 -
Now that, is just fecking stupid - the censorship that is not the joke.
I find that highly suspicious.
EDIT: ooh, the word filter didn't stop that one. Another forum I use has it's profanity filter set so high that "suspicious" won't get past it (there's a naughty word in there).
While I'm here, more filter-baiting (and joke-stealing):
I went to the zoo at the weekend, but all they had was a little dog.
It was a shih tzu.0 -
Bookworm55 wrote: »
I went to the zoo at the weekend, but all they had was a little dog.
It was a shih tzu.
Your jokes are getting worse!0 -
So have all the "exam worries" disappeared then lol?
I love that time of year, forums flooding with new folk then they all abandon ship after the exams :P0 -
I wonder how mark got on today? speaking of exams0
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