Jokes!!!

sammyd22

Ok lets try and put a smile on each others faces!!

Im not very funny but ill go first...........


A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned
to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep Quickly....
he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold. "
"I have a better idea, " she replied. " Just for tonight, let's just pretend that we're married. "
"Wow! That's a great idea! "he exclaimed!
"Good, " she replied... "Get your own *******.. blanket."
After a stunned moment of silence, he farted.

sammyd22

Dear Tech Support,


Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition,Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as
Rugby 5.0,Football 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate.

DEAR DESPERATE,
First, keep in mind,Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command:ithoughtyoulovedme.html, try to download Tears 6.2, and do not forget to install
the Guilt 3.0 update.
If those applications work as designed,Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5,Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do,DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a ***** in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.
This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary,Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!

blobbyh

Alan was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Alan, how about Tom Cruise?" "No drama's boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Alan and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Alan! What’s happenin?!? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Alan's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Alan that he thinks Alan's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Alan says. "President Obama," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Alan says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Alan on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Alan, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Alan, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Alan. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Alan and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Alan says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Alan emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Alan returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Alan asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the f*ck's that on the balcony with Alan?"

sammyd22

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy,
I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde woman.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde gal with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,

'No... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times!!!'

sammyd22

i was out satarday night and saw two women standing there-i aproached 1 and said do you want to dance, in which she replied yes i would..i replied go on then cause i want to chat up your mate......

sammyd22

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the
pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,and said, "I would like to buy
some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't
give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose
my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will
happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in
bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's
different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Bookworm55

Two nuns are driving on a country road at night when a vampire jumps on the bonnet. The driver asks "Quick: Sister, show him your cross."

So the passenger leans out the window and shouts "Oi you, bugger off!"

A-Vic

Bookworm55 wrote: »

Two nuns are driving on a country road at night when a vampire jumps on the bonnet. The driver asks "Quick: Sister, show him your cross."

So the passenger leans out the window and shouts "Oi you, bugger off!"

awww sweet lol

anniem

sammyd22 wrote: »

Dear Tech Support,


Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition,Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as
Rugby 5.0,Football 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate.

DEAR DESPERATE,
First, keep in mind,Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command:ithoughtyoulovedme.html, try to download Tears 6.2, and do not forget to install
the Guilt 3.0 update.
If those applications work as designed,Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5,Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do,DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a ***** in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.
This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary,Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!

An alternative recommendation is Bit on the side 3.4 or alternatively employ great in bed 2.6 (great app) cooking man 5.4 (v romantic) and DIY man 8.2.

However you must be warned; do not let these applications run unprotected or at the same time or you may get a very nasty v i r u s!!!!!

sammyd22

anniem wrote: »

An alternative recommendation is Bit on the side 3.4 or alternatively employ great in bed 2.6 (great app) cooking man 5.4 (v romantic) and DIY man 8.2.

However you must be warned; do not let these applications run unprotected or at the same time or you may get a very nasty v i r u s!!!!!

You can now download "do the ironing" 4.4. and "change the nappies" 11.2., however they are fisrt come first serve as there isnt many available!

Monsoon

My favourite accountant joke:

An Attorney and an Tax Accountant are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Attorney leans over to the Tax Accountant and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Tax Accountant just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The Attorney persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains 'I ask you a question , and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.' Again, the Tax Accountant politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The Attorney, now somewhat agitated, says 'OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!'This catches the Tax Accountant's complete attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.

The Attorney asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the earth to the moon?' The Tax Accountant doesn't say a word, reaches in to his wallet, pull out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the Attorney. Now, it's the Tax Accountant's turn. He asks the Attorney: 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The Attorney looks at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail.

After over an hour, he wakes the Tax Accountant and hands him $50. The Tax Accountant politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The Attorney, more that a little miffed, shakes the Tax Accountant and asks, 'Well, so what IS the answer?' Without a word, the Tax Accountant reaches into his wallet, hands the Attorney $5 and goes back to sleep.

CJC

An old favourite...

An architect, an artist and an accountant were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The accountant said, "I like both. If you have a wife and a mistress they will each assume you are spending time with the other and you can go to the office and get some work done."

sammyd22

Monsoon wrote: »

My favourite accountant joke:

An Attorney and an Tax Accountant are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Attorney leans over to the Tax Accountant and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Tax Accountant just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The Attorney persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains 'I ask you a question , and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.' Again, the Tax Accountant politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The Attorney, now somewhat agitated, says 'OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!'This catches the Tax Accountant's complete attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.

The Attorney asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the earth to the moon?' The Tax Accountant doesn't say a word, reaches in to his wallet, pull out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the Attorney. Now, it's the Tax Accountant's turn. He asks the Attorney: 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The Attorney looks at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail.

After over an hour, he wakes the Tax Accountant and hands him $50. The Tax Accountant politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The Attorney, more that a little miffed, shakes the Tax Accountant and asks, 'Well, so what IS the answer?' Without a word, the Tax Accountant reaches into his wallet, hands the Attorney $5 and goes back to sleep.

CJC wrote: »

An old favourite...

An architect, an artist and an accountant were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The accountant said, "I like both. If you have a wife and a mistress they will each assume you are spending time with the other and you can go to the office and get some work done."

Lol.. Nice! not heard them before!

sammyd22

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerer's Action group. She had tried every technique in the book.



Finally, exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water."

The Englishman piped up. "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.

"That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next ?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".

That's no better, Hamish.

How about you, Paddy ?

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out "London".

Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said



"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".

Andypandy

Three accountants were in the urinal performing their morning constitutional. The first finishes and walks over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeds to dry his hands carefully. He uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands is dried. Turning to other two accountants, he says - “Chartered Accountants are trained to be extremely thorough.”
The second finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands. He uses a single paper and makes sure that he dries every drop of water from his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turns and says - “Certified Accountants are not only trained be extremely thorough but also trained to be extremely efficient.”
The third accountant finishes and walks straight for the door. “Management Accountants learn not to pee on their hands.”

sammyd22

A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a highland stream in Scotland.

The gamekeeper spots him and shouts, 'Dinnae drink thon water min, it's foo
o' coo's sh*te n pish.'

The man replies, 'my good fellow, I'm English.... repeat that in English.'

The gamekeeper replies, 'I said use both hands - you get more that way.'

sammyd22

Management

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude
and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41
degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault.
__________________

sammyd22

Ex - Policeman.. Lol

Rick had been in Police work for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress,
he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.


He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.



After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.
He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road.
Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'

'Great', says Rick, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.'

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'
'Not a problem' says Rick. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'



'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right!
I'll be there. Thanks again.'

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'

'Now that's really not a problem' says Rick, warming to the idea.
'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.

By the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'

CJC

Andypandy wrote: »

Accountants learn not to pee on their hands.”

Oddly enough I'd heard that told about Churchill who supposedly never washed his hands after peeing and a cabinet colleague. The pay-off being "At Eton they taught us to wash afterwards." To which Churchill replied "At Harrow they taught us not to p*ss on our hands."

It's a pretty good one either way.

A-Vic

Clean One Liners

What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!


A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way...

Why don't aliens eat clowns.
Because they taste funny.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh

Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too".

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
el-if-i-no

Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One was a salted.

Once upon a time there were two muffins in the microwave. Suddenly, on of the muffins says:
"Man it's hot in here!!!!"
The other muffin exclaims,
"Look a talking muffin!!!!"

Marga

sammyd22 wrote: »

A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a highland stream in Scotland.

The gamekeeper spots him and shouts, 'Dinnae drink thon water min, it's foo
o' coo's sh*te n pish.'

The man replies, 'my good fellow, I'm English.... repeat that in English.'

The gamekeeper replies, 'I said use both hands - you get more that way.'

I love this one bloody love it!

sammyd22

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yeah, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded"3 were on a beer can, and 2 were on the phone!

sammyd22

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved

all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his

money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I

want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with

me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And

so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart

that when he died, she would put all of the money in the

casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife

was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next

to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the

undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,

"Wait a minute!" She had a box with her, she came over with

the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers

locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough

to put all that money in there with your husband." The !

loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go

back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put

that money in that casket with him". "You mean to tell me

you put that money in the casket with him !!!!?"

"I sure did" said the wife. "I got it all together, put it

into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it,

he can spend it!!!

taskey

bit rude - but i am bored at work.....


A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her
private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor
whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough,
therewas definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As
crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'Oral sex' will do the trick &
bring her out of the coma.'

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close
the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few
minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The
nurses run back into the room.

'What happened!?' they cried.

The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'

sammyd22

taskey wrote: »

bit rude - but i am bored at work.....


A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her
private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor
whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough,
therewas definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'as
crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'oral sex' will do the trick &
bring her out of the coma.'

the husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close
the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few
minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The
nurses run back into the room.

'what happened!?' they cried.

The husband said, 'i'm not sure; maybe she choked.'

lol

Marga

taskey wrote: »

bit rude - but i am bored at work.....


A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her
private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor
whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough,
therewas definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As
crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'Oral sex' will do the trick &
bring her out of the coma.'

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close
the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few
minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The
nurses run back into the room.

'What happened!?' they cried.

The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'

:001_tt2:

taskey

not sure of your smily marga - was it intentional?

Marga

taskey wrote: »

not sure of your smily marga - was it intentional?

LOL i didnt even think about it!!! should i change it?

maybe tis one is better?
:laugh:

taskey

i think that could possibly be worse - lol

Marga

oh man!!!

taskey

quick tell a joke, no-one has noticed