Jokes!!!
Comments
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BMW reveals general election PRAT accessory
Thursday, 01 April 2010
BMW drivers will be able to flag up their political allegiances during the general election campaign with special retro fit roundel badges in the colour of their favourite political party.
1 April launch
Announcing the move today (1 April) the carmaker said the red, blue and yellow roundels, featuring the BMW logo, will be marketed through its dealer network as a limited edition Political Roundel Attachment Tag (PRAT).
"We have been working on this innovation for a number of years and see it as a niche with potentially wide appeal," said Uwe Beanhadde, BMW's Head of Made-up Technology.
"One of the most popular features, sure to strike a chord with the floating voter, is that the roundel can be replaced in a matter of seconds should the opposition suddenly seem more appealing".
PRAT
News of the PRAT accessory comes swiftly after boffins at BMW offered other award winning innovations such as Canine Repellant Alloy Protection that stops dogs relieving themselves on customers' wheels.
Further details on PRAT can be found by contacting 0800 561 0080 or emailing Uwe.Beanhadde@bmw.co.uk This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it0 -
A man goes to the doctors suffering from terrible wind. Not just a lot of it, or that it was foul smelling, but it made the strangest sound. As it left the man's body, it sounded like it was making the word Honda.
As soon as the doctor heard this, he smiled and said that he understood the problem. The man was clearly suffering from an abscess because, as we all know...
Abscess makes the fart go 'Honda'0 -
Bookworm55 wrote: »A man goes to the doctors suffering from terrible wind. Not just a lot of it, or that it was foul smelling, but it made the strangest sound. As it left the man's body, it sounded like it was making the word Honda.
As soon as the doctor heard this, he smiled and said that he understood the problem. The man was clearly suffering from an abscess because, as we all know...
Abscess makes the fart go 'Honda'
lmao0 -
Accountants
Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget so he had to work it out with a pencil and paper.
A fellow walks into a hospital and sees two doctors down on their hands and knees in one of the flower beds. He goes over and
says, "Can I help? Have you lost something? "
"No," says one of the doctors. "We're about to do a heart transplant on an accountant and we're looking for a suitable
stone."
Q: Why are they putting the accountants at the bottom of the ocean?
A: They found out that deep down they're really not so bad.
Sitting in a compartment on a train were the tooth fairy, an expensive accountant and a cheap accountant. On a table between
them was placed a briefcase full of money.
Suddenly the train entered a tunnel and everything went dark. When the train exited the tunnel and the light returned, the
briefcase was gone. Who took the briefcase?...
Well, it's obvious really. It had to be the expensive accountant as there's no such thing as the tooth fairy or a cheap
accountant!
The doctor comes to see his heart transplant patient.
"This is good news. It is very unusual, but we have two donors to choose from for your new heart."
The patient is pleased. He asks, "What were their jobs?"
"One was a teacher and the other was an accountant."
"I'll take the accountant's heart," says the patient. "I want one that hasn't been used."
A lost balloonist lands in a random field and asks a man out walking his dog "Where am I?"
The man replies "you are three feet in front of me in the middle of a field"
"You must be an accountant!" retorts the balloonist
"How did you know that?" the man asks incredulously
"Easy. What you just told me is 100% accurate but absolutely useless!"
Q: Who was the world's first accountant?
A: Adam. He turned a leaf and made an entry!
Q: What is the difference between a tragedy and a catastrophe?
A: A tragedy is a shipful of accountants going down in a storm.... A catastrophe is when they can all swim!
Q: What do you call 500 accountants at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.
Q: How do you save a drowning accountant?
A: Take your foot off their head.
Q: What's the difference between an accountant and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.
What is the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you did not know you had in a way you don't understand.
How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
How much money do you have?
What is the definition of a good tax accountant?
Someone who has a loophole named after him.
When does a person decide to become an accountant?
When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
What does an accountant use for birth control?
His personality.
What's an extroverted accountant?
One who looks at your shoes while he is talking to you instead of his own.
What is an auditor?
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets the wounded.
Why did the auditor cross the road?
Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.
How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold a road map the wrong way.
What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
Depreciation.
If an accountant's wife cannot sleep what does she say?
"Darling, tell me about your work."
When the accountant laughs loud?
When some one asks for a raise.
A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.
His friend asks, "Didn't your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?"
The businessman replies, "That's the accountant we're looking for."
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."0 -
An accountant, a solicitor and a tax inspector were sitting in a sauna.
They heard a bleeping sound, the accountant pressed his arm and the bleeping stopped.“That was my pager, I have a microchip in my arm” he explained.
They then heard a ringing. The solicitor, putting his palm to his ear said, “That was my mobile, it’s implanted into my hand.”
The tax inspector realised that HMRC’s technology was such that he had no chance of keeping up, but he didn’t want to be outdone. He went to the toilet and returned with some toilet paper hanging from his backside.
The other two stared at the tax inspector as he explained, “Just a minute lads-I think I’m getting a fax.”0 -
A Chartered Accountant, Certified Accountant and Chartered Tax Advisor have all been doing some "borderline" tax planning. Being on the run from HM Revenue & Customs they decide to hide in a barn and each climb into a sack.
The taxman bursts in, and walks over to the first sack with the ACA in. He gives it firm kick and the ACA shouts 'Woof'. The taxman says to himself there's just a dog in there and moves on.
He walks over to the second sack and gives that a good boot as well. The ACCA shouts "Meeeooow" and again the taxman shrugs his shoulders and moves on.
He arrives at the third sack. Again he puts the boot in. The CTA shouts "Potatoes!!!!".0 -
bookworm55 wrote: »a man goes to the doctors suffering from terrible wind. Not just a lot of it, or that it was foul smelling, but it made the strangest sound. As it left the man's body, it sounded like it was making the word honda.
As soon as the doctor heard this, he smiled and said that he understood the problem. The man was clearly suffering from an abscess because, as we all know...
Abscess makes the fart go 'honda'
lmao0 -
You ever been guilty of looking at others your own age andthinking, surely i can't look that old? Well.....you'll love this one!
My name is alice smith and i was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his dental diploma, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark haired boy with the same name had been in my secondary school class some 30-odd years ago
could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, gray haired man with the deeply lined face was far too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended morgan park secondary school .
'yes, yes i did. I'm a morganner! ' he beamed with pride.
'when did you leave to go to college?' i asked
he answered, in 1965. Why do you ask?
'you were in my class!' i exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then that ugly,
old,
bald,
wrinkled,
fat arsed,
grey haired,
decrepit,
bastard asked....
'what did you teach?'0 -
fab joke, love it0
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An extra-strong mint walks into a bar walks up to a polo mint pokes him in the chest and says.
"You better watch out! I'm the hardest here so you better respect me."
The polo mint puts his head down and shuffles off to the toilets.
When he comes out the extra-strong mint is hiding behind the fruit machine shaking.
"I thought you said you were hard?" the polo asks
"I am, but a locket has just walked in and he's menthal!"0 -
3 women, 1 engaged, 1 married and 1 mistress decide to treat their men by wearing black leather bras, stilletto heels and masks.
The engaged woman says, "my man lept on me and we made love all night"
The mistress adds, "Me too, we had wild uninhibited sex all night"
The Wife sighs and says, " My husband came home took one look at me and said what's for dinner BatMan?"0 -
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned tohelping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices; however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the R!"
"We missed the R!!"
"We missed the R!!!"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,
"The word was... CELEBRATE!"0 -
That's one of the world's greatest ever jokes, Sammy. Some other fine ones on this page too...0
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A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy
3 pennies to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father
realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the
back. The boy coughs up 2 of the pennies, but keeps choking. Looking at his
son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business
suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of
coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup
down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from
her seat and makes her way unhurried across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boys
testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever
so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up
the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing
the boy's testicles, the woman hands the penny to the father and walks back
to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father
rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen
anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No, Inland Revenue"0 -
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
When Bob got home the wife asked "whats with the scales"
Bob says " you wanted something that go's 0 - 200 in less then 6 seconds! " hop on!0 -
NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH
A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated
conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention
is galvanised when she hears one of them say the following:
'Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.'
The lady can't take this any more, 'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,'
she retorted indignantly. 'In this country. We don't speak aloud in
Public places about our sex lives.
'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a
justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '.'0 -
Three women, two younger, and one senior citizen
were sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound.
The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped.
The others looked at her questioningly.
'that was my pager, she said.
I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.'
a few minutes later, a phone rang.
The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear.
When she finished,she
explained,
'that was my mobile phone, i have a microchip in my hand.'
the older woman felt very low-tech.
Not to be out done, she decided she had to do something just as impressive.
She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.
She returned with a piece of
toilet paper hanging from her rear end.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.
The older woman finally said...................' well, will you look at
that.....i'm getting a fax!!'0 -
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom............
"You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios"0 -
A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"0
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OMG, these are so funny!
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Almost as funny as the first time round.0
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More please?0
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A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
>
> While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to
The mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
>
> nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye
>
> contact After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,
>
> "Let's go to my apartment,..... I hear someone coming."
>
> He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
>
Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your
Ears."
>
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts;
they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm
And solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the > best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered .. "Outside, when you said you heard
someone coming.. That was me."0 -
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment. It was to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Karl said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying chicks. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Emilie raised her hand andsaid "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chicks for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is: Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Emilie.
Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes. My dad told me this story about my Auntie Sharon.
Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was three bottles of rum, a machine gun and a machete. She drank all the rum on the way down so they wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher "what kind of moral did your father tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the hell away from Auntie Sharon when she's been on the rum."
___________________________________________________________________
More additions needed im running out!!!!0 -
Some blonde jokes that my mum sent me.......
Subject: Helloooooooooooooooooooooob
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?"
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know.. We're going at night!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO........," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"0 -
An acccountant and his frog
An accountant was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week". The accountant took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the accountant took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into
his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The accountant said, "Look I'm an accountant. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
(stolen from http://marksaccjokes.blogspot.com/search/label/boring )0 -
This has got to be one of the cleverest
E-mails I've received in a while.
Someone out there
must be "deadly" at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
Bet your friends haven't seen this one!!!
DON'T FORGET TO SHARE THIS0 -
TOMMY COOPER - COMIC GENIUS
1. Two blondes walked into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want marijuana, press the hash key...'
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Gladwrap for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high..'
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'..
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common? ' 'It's not unusual'.
13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed? 'No, because he's really heavy'
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.' 'How's that?' the doctor asks. 'Don't you start' says the guy.
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bast**d!'
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'
23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.0 -
Right, it is Friday so someone should have heard a few good jokes this morning as all the work e-mails were opened.0
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I found a reasonably funny one, so I thought I'd revive this thread to give ourselves a short study break!
10 men have a drinking agreement.
the first man, the richest, pays 50 dollars out of the hundred it costs all of them to drink.
the second man pays 35 dollars.
the third man pays 8 dollars.
the fourth man pays 3 dollars.
the fifth man pays 2 dollars
the 6th and 7th men pay 1 dollar.
the remaining 3, the poorest, drink free.
they are satisfied with this arrangement, until one day, the bartender says, "hey guys, you have been drinking here for a while now, so I'll start giving you a discount. it now only costs 75 dollars for you to drink."
at first the are quite happy, until it comes time to pay the bill. how to split the cost?
the richest man proposes the following.
he'll still pick up about 50% of the cost, so 38 dollars.
the second man will pay 27 dollars.
the third man will pay 7 dollars.
the fourth man will pay 2 dollars.
the fifth man will pay 1 dollar, and the remaining five drink free.
"hey wait a minute!" says the third through 7th man. "we only got a dollar reduction compared to your 12, that hardly seems fair!" even the three poorest agreed, "we didn't get anything from that reduction!" so they got together and beat up the richest man. after doing so however, they soon realize they don't have the money to cover the bill!
moral of the story: you can tax the rich more, but when you do so, understand that when you reduce taxes, the rich receive the most break. and if you tax them too much they may just stop paying the bill.
And for anyone with enough time on their hands:
http://longestjokeintheworld.com/0
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