Jokes!!!
Comments
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what has robert green and ITV HD got in common ?
They both switch off at the most important time !
All the England team has got behind Robert Green, Think that is a great idea becuase maybe they would of been able to get the ball after his stupid mistake ....
All the england lads have brought Robert Green drinks after his mistake but he has still got a completely clear head as he let everyone slip through his fingers .....
How many Robert Greens does it take to change a lightbulb ?
No-one knows as hes never managed to hold on to a bulb long enough to change it !!
hahahahaha0 -
* If only John Terry had lived next door to Robert Green's missus...
* Why is Robert Green like ITV HD? They both switch off at the crucial moment.
* What does Robert Green do after winning the World Cup? Drops his controller.
* What's the difference between Robert Green and Justin Bieber? Robert Green knows how to drop his balls.
* Kermit was right: It's not easy being Green.
* All these Rob Green jokes are getting out of hand. In fact they're crossing the line...
* The England lads had a get-together after the game and bought Robert Green a drink to commiserate. He spilled it.
* Steven Gerrard said: "The whole team is behind Rob Green." With hindsight, that's a good place to stand.
* Robert Green's bringing out his own South African trumpet. It's known as a boo-boozela
* Robert Green - a joke even Americans can understand.
* Yesterday at London Zoo one of the staff let a a Central American monkey slip out of his grasp. So Robert Green's not the only English keeper to drop a Howler.
* My computer's got the Robert Green *****. It can't save anything.
* Just bought a Robert Green condom. Extra slippery and you're guaranteed not to catch anything.
* Rob Green has injured himself. Apparently, he put his head in his hands and immediately kneed himself in the face.
* What's the difference between a botanist with the flu and the England goalkeeper? One has Green fingers and can catch a cold...
* Before he got into football, Robert Green was a bus driver. But he got fired because he couldn't make any stops.
* I'm Robert Green and cleaning Windows is my next idea...
And the best England v USA joke which doesn't feature Robert Green is.. .
* It was a clever move to bring Shaun Wright-Phillips on. For 15 minutes the Americans were stunned, thinking Gary Coleman had come back to life.0 -
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.
From the Daily News comes this story of a Leicester couple who drove their
car to ASDA, only to have their car break down in the car park.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of
underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones..
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching.
The AA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead!!0 -
A blonde walks into a pizza parlour and orders a pizza. "Do you want nine slices or twelve?" the assistant asks. "Nine, please" says the blonde. "I could never manage twelve."0
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American security chiefs announce fears for president obarmas mental state today after he announced aid has been sent to ireland after the tradgrdey of hurricain higgins0
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Just watched the WKD advert, where the bloke walks in to the toilet to have a **** whilst his wife's taking a relaxing bath.
After laughing at it, my girlfriend turns to me and says, "I bet you a man made this!"
Course a man made it - it's an advert, not a Sunday roast.0 -
what came first, the chicken or the egg?
The chicken and the egg are in bed, chicken has head on pillow smoking.
The egg rolls over annoyed saying "i guess we answered that question".0 -
The Black Bra (as told by a woman)
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men
by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask
over our eyes.
We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..
Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me
with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too!
The other night I met my lover at his office and I was
wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and a
Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't
say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said:
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(you are going to love this.....)
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"What's for dinner, Zorro?"0 -
What do you call a woman with two arseholes?
N-Dubz.0 -
Mrs. Donovan was walking down
O'Connell Street in Dublin when
she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin'
to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan
and didn't I marry ye and yer
Hosband two years ago?'
She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'
The Father asked, 'And be there
any little ones yet?
She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'
The Father said, 'Well now,
I'm going to Rome next week
and I'll light a candle for ye
and yer hosband.'
She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.'
They then parted ways
Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, 'Well now,
Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me ,
have ye any little ones yet?'
She replied, 'Oh yes, Father!
Two sets of twins and six singles,
ten in all!'
The Father said, 'That's wonderful!
How is yer loving hosband doing?'
She replied, 'E's gone to Rome
to blow out yer fockin' candle.'
She replied, 'E's gone to Rome
to blow out yer fockin' candle0 -
Just a little Monty Python sketch from youtube...thought it was quite appropriate for the forum !!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XMOmB1q8W4Y0 -
Just a little Monty Python sketch from youtube...thought it was quite appropriate for the forum !!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XMOmB1q8W4Y
Cheers Steve, lmao!
As I'm not doing ACCA does that mean I'm not dull?
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John Major famously ran away from the circus to become an accountant.0
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What do you call a fly with no wings?
A Walk..
haha love it!0 -
what do you call a sheep with no legs
a cloud0 -
What's brown and sticky?
A stick0 -
0
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What do you call a man with ear muffs 5 scarves and ten hats on???
anything you want he cant hear you lol0 -
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Alan was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Alan, how about Tom Cruise?" "No drama's boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Alan and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Alan! What’s happenin?!? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Alan's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Alan that he thinks Alan's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Alan says. "President Obama," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Alan says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Alan on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Alan, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Alan, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Alan. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Alan and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Alan says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Alan emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Alan returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Alan asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the f*ck's that on the balcony with Alan?"
Oh Bobbyh you crack me up. I nearly wet myself laughing at this joke. nice one. The office girls and boys love it too. Give us some more. Pleeeeeaaaassssseeeeeee!!!0 -
That's one of my fave jokes of all time Speegs but here's another one updated for today:
Alex Ferguson was appearing on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. Miraculously, and against all the odds, he managed to get to the final question with two of his three lifelines still intact. Chris Tarrant then tensely asked the final question “Which animal lives in a set? Is it badger, squirrel, cuckoo or rabbit?”
Unfortunately, Alex didn’t know so used his 50/50 lifeline leaving either badger or cuckoo as the correct answer. However, he still wasn't sure so had no other option but to use up his remaining lifeline – phone a friend – and call his old mate, Wayne Rooney. Chris told Rooney the situation and the two possible answers. After a little fake umming and aahing, Rooney finally said “Badger”. Left with little choice, Alex went with Rooney's answer and duly won the one million pounds top prize.
The next day in training Alex went up to Rooney and said, “Thanks Wayne, that was amazing, but how on earth did you know a badger lived in a set?”
“Well, it was easy, boss”, said Rooney... “I just knew that a cuckoo lived in a clock.”0 -
^^ like it!!0
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That tickled me, I needed a giggle after the morning I have had.0
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Why did the banana go to the hospital?
'Cos it wasn't peeling very well.
A woman is standing in front of her bedroom mirror naked. She says to her husband, "I look horrible, fat & ugly......pay me a compliment."
Her husband replies, "Well, your fricking eyesight's spot on!!!"0 -
This guy is walking down the street past the local delinquent school and he can hear this chanting going "14! 14! 14! 14!" from behind the 7 foot fence. Perplexed, he walks around the surrounding fence, hearing the chanting getting louder when he spots a small hole about 4 feet up, coincidentally at the point where the chanting is loudest. He presses his eye to the hole and is immediately jabbed hard in the eye by a finger. As he falls back, all he can hear is "15! 15! 15! 15!"0
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A man takes the shell off his snail to make it go faster.
It didn't work, it anything it was more sluggish.0 -
i think we need some laughs around here to ease the exams tension
Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby "Is this yours?" she asked.
"Probably." said Paddy "She burns everything else!"0 -
To Be 6 Again!
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was
looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not
far off he asked what she'd like to
have for her birthday.
'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall
of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was
reeling and her stomach felt upside
down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy,
M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed
exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six
again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna
get it wrong.0 -
The Inland Revenue decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an appointment with the most thorough auditor in the office.
The auditor is not surprised when Paddy shows up with his solicitor.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying
that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Inland Revenue finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Paddy. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. You're on!"
Paddy says, "I'll bet you a thousand pound that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops. Paddy says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand pound that I can bite my other eye."
The auditor can tell Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Paddy removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realises he has bet and lost three thousand
quid, with Paddy's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Would you like to go double or nothing?" Paddy asks. "I'll bet you
six thousand pound that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee
into that rubbish bin on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he
strains like hell, he can't make the stream reach the bin on other
side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major
loss into a big win. But Paddy's solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the solicitor. "This morning, when Paddy told me
he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me £20,000 that he could come
in here and p*ss all over your desk - and that you'd be happy about it!"0
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