Jokes!!!

CJC

This was in a Guardian piece about one-lines today and it rather tickled me. No source cited but it has the ring of Milton Jones about it.

I was an accountant between the ages of 20 and 30 then for some reason they fired me. What a waste of 12 years that was.

blobbyh

CAUTION: NOT FOR THE EASILY OFFENDED: CONTAINS THE C BOMB...

Not a joke as such but this is hilarious:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YS5mVoqJpUk

Check the fake coughing fit and unavoidable laughter at about eight seconds.

Nikdoug

blobbyh wrote: »

CAUTION: NOT FOR THE EASILY OFFENDED: CONTAINS THE C BOMB...

Not a joke as such but this is hilarious:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YS5mVoqJpUk

Classic hahaha

katsutlieff

I have heard that some many times and it still makes me giggle. The poor sod tries so hard to carry on with the news

Marga

IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO



An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the

casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.



She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.



With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'



As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON , I WON !'



She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.



The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'



The other answered,

'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'



MORAL OF THE STORY -



Not all Irish are drunks,

not all blondes are dumb,

but all men..are men.

Rinske

Not the best joke ever, but it's an attempt to an accountancy comic:

http://dilbert.com/strips/comic/2011-02-08/

anniem

Man sitting on a bench.

Second man comes along and sits beside him saying "I've lost my wife"

Ths first man says "I've lost my wife too"

Second man "Oh dear"

First man "What does your wife look like?"

Second man "Well, I suppose she's about 5'10", with long blonde hair. Today she is wearing a leather jacket with a leather mini skirt and thigh length boots. ..... What does your wife look like?"

First man "Lets not worry about my wife, I think we need to find your wife!"

BeccaLouJ9

One from the radio this morn...

Did you watch the Origami championships last night? It was on pay-per-view...

x

sammyd22

It wasn't enough for Ryan Giggs to have a girl from Big Brother, He had to take one from little Brother too!!

Terrible i know!

blobbyh

Did you hear that Alex Ferguson had second thoughts about playing Ryan Giggs for Man United's clash with Barcelona last weekend?

He was a little bit worried about his recent lack of ball control.

(Sickipedia... love it)

taskey

http://youtu.be/RGhUb3Ryu28


time to resurrect this thread

Monsoon

taskey wrote: »

http://youtu.be/RGhUb3Ryu28


time to resurrect this thread

Oh lord, that's bloomin' hilarious!!!!

clegganator

I watched The Big Bang Theory and Sheldon said something funny. I'll try not to ruin the episode

Sheldon "Once he has finished he usually tells me a dirty joke."
Penny "Well I don't know any dirty jokes."
Sheldon "Good because I never got them anyway."

MarkT

clegganator wrote: »

I watched The Big Bang Theory and Sheldon said something funny. I'll try not to ruin the episode

Sheldon "Once he has finished he usually tells me a dirty joke."
Penny "Well I don't know any dirty jokes."
Sheldon "Good because I never got them anyway."

One of the best was:

Sheldon - Woman, you're playing with things way beyond your ken.
Penny - Well your Ken can kiss my Barbie :laugh:

MarkT

A 40 year old man who had had enough of his life,
decided to go to God and ask him for a new life.
On his way he met a dry tree and asked him:

“How is Life?”

The tree answered: “It’s terrible, I am drying up and the water isn’t reaching me.”

“I am on my way to God”, answered the man, “I’ll talk to him for you too”.

When he was half way to God, the man met a sad girl sitting by a large house.

“How’s life?” asked the man.

“Disappointing”, she said, “I am sitting here all by myself and no guy is coming around”.

“I am on my way to God”, answered the man, “I’ll talk to him for you too”, promised the man.

Towards the end of his journey the man met a scrawny fox,
Who complained that he had nothing to eat.

The man promised the fox that he would talk about him with God too.

The man came to God and told him of all of his troubles.

God told him: “I am going to change your luck,
but you have to be smart enough to catch it.”
God also gave him a letter for each one of the
poor souls that he met on his way.

The man came to the dry tree and gave him the letter from God,
The tree read the letter and told him:

“God told me that no water is reaching me because
There is a bag full of diamonds stuck between my roots
And between the spring.

Maybe you can help me extricate the bag?”

“I am sorry”, replied the man, "I don’t have any time,
God told me that he is sending me luck
And I have to hurry up and catch it”.

Later on the man met the girl,
He brought her the letter and she told him:

“God wrote me that he will make me and
The first man who agrees to marry me rich and happy.

Maybe you want to be my husband?"

“I am sorry”, answered the man,
“God promised me that he is sending me luck
I have to run and catch it”.

And then the man met the fox and gave him his letter,
The fox read the letter and then grabbed the man by the throat .

A second before he lost consciousness,
the man saw the fox’s letter and it said:

“When the idiot reaches you, eat him”

This presentation is dedicated to all those who knew
How to identify the moment and grabbed it with both hands.