Jokes!!!
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LOL ok
What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Half a worm.0 -
Heres one for ya!
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion,
multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron
wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife,
when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed
one of the cows had something white at its rear end"
"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough,
there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it
stuck right in the middle of the cow's lady parts.
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife,
"Hey, this looks like yours!'"
"I don't remember much after that "0 -
COMPUTER TERMS - TEXAS TRANSLATION:
LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truck
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin' the farwood
FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thing tha splits the farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time
PROMPT: What the mail ain't in the winter time
WINDOWS: What to shut when it's cold outside
SCREEN: What to shut when it's black fly season
BYTE: What them dang flies do
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: What's in the bottom of the munchie bag
MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife
LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the dang truck keys
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knives
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse hole
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof
ENTER: Northerner talk fer "c'mon in, y'all"
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya can't 'member what ya paid fer the rifle0 -
:-)) Â CREATIVE PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS 1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here; I'll go on ahead."
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep Off the Grass."
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
20. A backward poet writes inverse.
21. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
23. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.0 -
A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a highland stream in Scotland.
The gamekeeper spots him and shouts, 'Dinnae drink thon water min, it's foo
o' coo's sh*te n pish.'
The man replies, 'my good fellow, I'm English.... repeat that in English.'
The gamekeeper replies, 'I said use both hands - you get more that way.'
My favourite! 0 -
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Irish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Irish, in the weeks that followed, an English archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the Sassenach Morning Herald read:
"English archaeologists, finding traces of 130-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 30 years earlier than the Irish".
One week later, the Banffshire Courier in Buckie, Scotland, reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Clat, Aberdeenshire, Jock Broon, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f*** all. Jock has therefore concluded that 130 years ago, Scotland had already gone wireless."
Just makes you proud to be a Scot!0 -
HER DIARY:
Wednesday, 7th December 2005
Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went
shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought
it might be that.
The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere
quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go
somewhere nice to eat.
All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed and
didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying.
I just knew that something was wrong.
He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he
hesitated but followed. I asked him again if there was something the
matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.
After about 10 minutes of Silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed.
I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just
gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.
He didn't follow me up - but later he did, and I was surprised
when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I
started to think that he was going to leave me and that he had found
someone else. I cried myself to sleep.
HIS DIARY:
Wednesday, 7th December 2005
Birmingham lost again, still in the bottom three. Absolutely gutted,
but got a sh*g!0 -
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of
impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite
chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and
with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he
crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the
door frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already
in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table
were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his Devoted Welsh
wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,
landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.
His aged and withered hand trembled towards a cookie at the edge of
the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula.
"**** off she said, "they're for the funeral."0 -
From a BMW owners forum....
First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway! The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn! Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane. (Why do underlings use this lane? Surely everyone knows it is for BMW drivers only?).
Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph! Naturally, I got to within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way.
Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me! He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car.
Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast! Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my driver's licence to a Police Station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They're not free points either - they're £20 each and I was only allowed 3). But the man at the Police Station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me! See, now THAT's the sort of respect you get when you buy and drive a BMW0 -
Alan was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Alan, how about Tom Cruise?" "No drama's boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Alan and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Alan! What’s happenin?!? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Alan's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Alan that he thinks Alan's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Alan says. "President Obama," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Alan says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Alan on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Alan, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Alan, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Alan. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Alan and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Alan says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Alan emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Alan returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Alan asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the f*ck's that on the balcony with Alan?"
Rob......I dont know how old that joke is....but that is class.0 -
Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear, or are out to repeat a rumour.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely
lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher
came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly
and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about
one of your students...?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell
me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called
the Test of Three."
"Test of Three?"
"That's correct," Socrates continued.
"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a
moment to test what you're going to say. The first
test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what
you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know
if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test,
the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me
about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me
something bad about him even though you're not certain
it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because
there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you
want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell
me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell
it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher
and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was sleeping with his wife0 -
Economic Models and Business Strategy explained with Cows
SOCIALISM You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy...
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive0 -
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive
LOVELY!!!!!0 -
Cake or bed
a husband is at home watching a
football match when his wife interrupts,
'honey, could you fix the light in the hallway?
It's been flickering for weeks now.'
he looks at her and says angrily,
'fix the lights now? Does it look like i have 'powergen' written on my forehead?
I don't think so!'
'fine!'
then the wife asks,
'well then, could you fix the fridge door?
It won't close right'
to which he replied,
'fix the fridge door?
Does it look like i have 'fridgidaire'
written on my forehead?
I don't think so!'
'fine!' she says
'then you could at least fix the steps
to the front door? They are about to break'
'i'm not a carpenter and i don't
want to fix steps', he says, 'does it look like i have 'taylor woodrow' written on my forehead?
I don't think so! I've had enough of this, i'm going to the pub!!!!'
so he goes to the pub and drinks for a
couple of hours.................
He starts to feel guilty about how
he treated his wife, and decides
to go home
as he walks into the house he notices
that the steps are already fixed.
As he enters the house , he sees the
hall light is working
as he goes to get a beer, he notices
the fridge door is fixed.
Honey, he asks, 'how'd all this get fixed?'
she said, 'well, when you left i sat
outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and i told him.
He offered to do all the repairs, and all i had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.'
he said,
'so what kind of cake did you bake?'
she replied, 'hellooooo.., do you see 'mr kipling' written on my forehead? I don't think so!'0 -
karma sutra position no 52, "the pirate".
Men.
how it works - when going at it doggy style just before you shoot, pull out.
spit on your partners back so that she thinks you have finished as normal.
when your partner turns around unleash a blast right in your partners face to stun and amaze her.
This move is known as "The Pirate" because she will put her hand over her eye and say aarghhh!0 -
karma sutra position no 52, "the pirate".
Men.
How it works - when going at it doggy style just before you shoot, pull out.
Spit on your partners back so that she thinks you have finished as normal.
When your partner turns around unleash a blast right in your partners face to stun and amaze her.
This move is known as "the pirate" because she will put her hand over her eye and say aarghhh!
lmao!!0 -
you can tell a man told that joke - the womans version is the angry pirate lol0
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a womans dead body was discovered this morning with semen in her eyes. The police say she probably saw her killer coming.0
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the scrambled eggs on toast was nice but not twice lee that was minging0
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karma sutra position no 52, "the pirate".
Men.
how it works - when going at it doggy style just before you shoot, pull out.
spit on your partners back so that she thinks you have finished as normal.
when your partner turns around unleash a blast right in your partners face to stun and amaze her.
This move is known as "The Pirate" because she will put her hand over her eye and say aarghhh!
It would appear that you actually read the book, as well as looking at the pictures. Aren't you a clever boy?????FMAAT - AAT Licensed Member in Practice - Pewsey, Wiltshire0 -
Not easy when the pages are all stuck together.
You should be more careful not to spill coffee over books in future, Lee.0 -
A snake went into town for a few drinks...After a few hours....He came out legless...0
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How many more pages do you have to go then?
And I agree, no spilling on the book....
I havent even bought the book yet! but have the agreement of a very lovely willing female to aid me in my attempt to complete it.
But thank you for your advice i shall make sure no spilling goes on.0
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